zener

Well i think things are going better, Im realizing ill be happier now :) yesterday i was on facebook and i saw a girl i havent talked to in like 4 years "online" and yeah started chatting with her and hmm idk she was alot of fun to talk to dunno if that is gonna go anywhere but im definetly gonna talk to her moer ^_^

Current Mood: hopeful

Well i broke up with her yesterday. Im not really sure what i should be doing now.. I still care about her and still want her beside me even though we arent together. i guess i am just used to that...Im still uncertain of how long i will be here on the island. I am hoping moving back home and way from here will make me get over her faster...i just dont know.. I dont think its hit me yet. I know i broke up with her but i cant just stop caring, i cant turn it off like a light switch. I wish it were that easy. I really do.. Life goes on as it were...

Current Mood: restless

So i just spent the last hour breaking up with her...its so hard i hate seeing tears in here eyes...it hurts me...ughhh why do i have to care...why do i have to be compassionate... oh well life goes on...i just gotta keep my head up and look forward to whatever comes my way.

Current Mood: blah

So today is the day...im getting rid of that leech of my time/money/emotions. She is nothing but a leech and yeah, i am gonna be glad to get rid of her.. a few weeks it might be kinda rough but its ok.. im not sure or not.. she really is not what i wanted anyway.. so it really doesnt matter. I guess i should have broke it off long time ago like i wanted. like i knew was right.

I AM so tired of waiting on someoene else to control my future.. i wish i was a dumbass so i could just not have to worry.. if i had less thinking going on in my head i can almost guarantee i would be happier. I feel like i may have screwed myself over with my medical board because they didnt get the story the way i should have...life is kinda in a constant state of unknowing and this is stressing me out over the past 2 years. If only i could just know..ugh..i just had that weird taste/smell sensation like when you get a bag of saline attached to your arm...that idk "saline smell" that not every person can smell supposedly. Ugh i wish my sense of smell/taste were not so strong. haha...i know tangent but oh well.

Meh life is kinda a bummer sometimes.. i just want to go back to the old ways...scavaging for food...that would be stressful but in a way id appreciate i think. Stress now adays is so political and worrying about global issues... Back then it would have been a small world and less to worry about other then mere survival (*ok surving isnt easy but if you know no other way*) No worrying about cancer/pollution/"global warming"/mass destruction/terrorists/ the nxt "world plauge" etc..yeah stuff would stil be happening but you wouldnt worry about it...youd owrry aobut "whats for lunch"

Ugh so if my state of life is "constant uncertainty/change" does that constant change my new constant? so its no longer permanent transition but just how my life is.

I feel like im in a whirlwind all my life is spinning and i feel as if i have no control of any of it.. Idk why i always get like this in a relationship i get to where i dont feel anything...it makes me hate myself.. i dont think i love her but i dont want to be alone..on the other hand the only kind of feeling for anyone that i have is a waste of even writing. Idk why its been so long and i still remember her. i still nearly call her name out when im with ana. Its pathetic. why cant my heart stop being pathetic and get over it. I screwed my relationships up. It is my fault i just need to get past things easier. this girl will probably be easy to give up like misha was in hs...idk i guess i just kept telling myself i wanted her when really it might just have been me wanting her like lust. Idk maybe its the challenge that i like. Idk i guess im just a fool losing a fools game. I finally have figured out what i want and need and i dont see any way for it to come to fruition. I really lost more then i have ever won and to this point taken for granted what should have mattered most to me. I really wish i could go back and change how i treated her. I was afraid of my parents dissaproval. Im always the good kid doing what the parents think is best. the girl im with now i could do it "the right way" but i dont want to i dont want to shes not the girl for me. the thought of losing her doesnt even hurt me its nearly been a year but its like she not even with me. the girl i still feel the loss and regret is happy on someone elses chest. im all alone wishing at night that i wasnt so pathetic afraid and could stand up for what i believe. i was too young and lost someone special. sometimes i think crazy things like buying a ticket and a ring and putting it all out there.. not because i think shed say yes but to let her know that i am for real and that i do really feel that way. Idk i cant tell if she is happy now or just enamored by the thought of being married. i really wish i could tell.. she seems unhpayy constantly telling herself she loves him i wonder what she really loves about him. maybe its just the envy i feel inside. I wish my tounge wasnt sharp as a knife cutting all those i love with my frustration...it hurts me when i hurt others i always think its too late and i say things i really dont mean. Oh well i guess ive learned this girl im with has sincerely taught me patience and how to watch what i say i wish i could go back and treat her the way i treat the girl im with..the way she deserves when we were crazy in love traveling, chilling, walking around...i kissed her and saw 2 dolphins that gotta be a sign... i just wish her heart was still mine...ugh i cant believe i wrote a poem abuot her..its sad..i havent written poetry since back in 08...


\
Broken dreams
I didnt treat her bad,
but i wish i woulda realized what i had.
My tongue is my own worst enemey
She was a lover and a friend to me.
She spent so many nights in my arms...
still, i let her go the unknown, the charms...
Thinking what if...what bout her...
thinking i could find someone that made me sure.
It makes me frustrated at the troubles that i bring
all i had to do was give her a ring.
If i didnt screw it up who knows where id be
Id probably be happy, having my own family.
Instead of sitting alone on a rock
Dazed and confused like in some kind of shock.
all i can do now is try to forget..
Itd be alot easier if i didnt have all this regret.
/

Current Mood: sad

GODDDD why does this shit have to happen... all i ever did was treat her right and support her and was there for her.e..and then she has a period goes crazy then treats me like shit, is a total bitch to me... seriously i cant handle this shit... so i take my fb to single and shes like "well your the one who threw it away" BULLSHIT i called her and said "ok your going through alot so i can forgive these lsat couple days lets workt hings out let me be there for you during your hard times like the million times i was before...god wtf why cant i just find a fucking girl tht will treat me right ok..scratch that i did find that girl and i was a douche.. i guess now i know better and all i can do is look back and say damn i was an idiot. its all good i guess my life will have tons less drama...too bad i care about her fuck! god i wish i could just forget if i had never met her my life would be alot simpler...oh well whatever i had alot of good times with her...growl idk even what i have wrote here i am just literally going straight from stream of thought....damn my luck...i guess if you treat a girl like shit she will want to be with you but if your nicce she will be a bitch wow society has fucked girls heads up.

Current Location: work
Current Mood: frustrated

yeah im at work and of course like i always am trying to keep the one off my mind while trying to win the other. idk, i hate these recent feelings. im not sure i can be as pateint as i need to be and i guess where i choose to live in the future will be based on how patient i can be. idk, im not sure what to do im afraid of my thoughts and emotions because they are only going to lead me to getting hurt, i cant let tehm stray i must keep them focused on the one here because if da one away keeps getting to mee tis only gooing to hurt me. i cant tell da future but i know dat far away is done wit me i know dat far away isnt going to ever want me back, and thats why it hurts me so to have feelings or no scratch that businesss. im tired of dat stupid self why cant you just let go? why do you still care? why cant you just stop caring about far away, its nearly been a solid year...in only 2 weeks...i cant believe its been so long but still i fight off the feelings..hmphh why must i care, why must i no stop it self your stupid growl at your inability to get over a girl a silly girl that wants little to do with you....hmphhh oh well i guess im good at sucking cause i last night messaged her laate and was cranky and just got done watching da korean dramas <3 but still they cause me to feel dramatic which then spilled into my messge /sigh growl no stop this writing abut far away.. her heart's forgotten you..0.0 growl @ my stupid random mind, why cant you focus on the close one, the one yo uknow likes you....oh yeah cause thats why...nvm then...growl at my impatience, though i am not being impatient...really i have been super patient for this girl...hmphh and now like a silly boy i continue my chase...my most recent OMG WTH wwere you thinking thing was to memorize and sing a song in a language i can barely even pronounce da words hmph Ay, ay, ay, pag-ibig
Nakakakilig, parang sine
Bawat eksena'y tunay mong pananabikan
Ay, ay, ay, pag-ibig
Nakakabaliw, ay sobra
Bawat saglit ikaw ang laman ng aking isipan

Lahat ng oras walang hihindian
Basta't kasama ang tangi kong mahal
Kahit paano sayo'y nakita ko
Ang tunay na kulay ng pag-ibig tulad nito

Ay, ay, ay, pag-ibig
Nakakakilig, parang sine
Bawat eksena'y tunay mong pananabikan
Ay, ay, ay, pag-ibig
Nakakabaliw, ay sobra
Bawat saglit ikaw and laman ng aking isipan

Lahat ng oras walang hihindian
Basta't kasama ang tangi kong mahal
Kahit paano sayo'y nakita ko
Ang tunay na kulay ng pag-ibig tulad nito

Lahat ng oras walang hihindian
Basta't kasama ang tangi kong mahal
Kahit paano sayo'y nakita ko
Ang tunay na kulay ng pag-ibig tulad nito

Ay, ay, ay, pag-ibig...


this should be interesting...i guess since its just straight memory i will be fine...i can forcd this plus i noticed only 7 real lines with alot of repeating...so i should be ok...hmphh oh well...i wish i would have been able to put this much effort into far away...damn you brain stop thinking about her....i think my brain is a masochist and thats why it keeps bringing you up...it keeps telling my heart that it needs you and wants you and damnit stop brain...lol...i think i am a tard...i think i am hoonestly retarded...idk maybe ive been single all this time for a reason...maybe its a punishment for how i took for granted far away...maybe it is....maybe its to make me appreciate what i had in far away...cause i know how lucky i was to have a girl like far away...she was like none other ive met...soo smart she was and so caring and loving and exactly what i needed...so much so i couldnt even realize...like a perfect match to mine...growls taosuirh;oiah;gh;hglhsgkhjkslshdfhasdfhalksdhf;lkaslk ok im done lol...poor keyboard...grumble growl..i guess its not bad to reminisc but idk, i told close girl about how i still think about far away sometimes and she says well "dont give away someone you love for someone you like" which is true...lol but i told her how far away is done with me. and also how i....anyway back on topic stupid brain hmphh mmaybe i can chat with far away....maybe she can help me with the prononciation of the song. shes so smart...and her english is soo good...hmph the people here speak such terrible english. o.o oh well life will go on...at least close one speaks good english...tho she can barely say my name "kete" is what she calls me...her other nickname for me is "kitty"...whats with filipina' girls and calling me cat? Keith-kat...hmphhh idk i just hate how everything reminds me of far away...and how little she must think of me..i hate that i am stuck on her and how not stuck or how much she doesnt care for me...grumble...why do i care? seriously how pathetic am i? i wish i would have fallen in love with jasam before i loved anyone...i wish she could have had all of my heart.. i wish i would have been single through high school...i wish she could have been the only one ever in my heart....i wish i could have appreciated her and everything she was to me....though lately all the filipina girls i met that are married are unfaithful....though i dont believe jasam would have been like dem...she was....idk something speccial...dat once in a lifetime girl dat you regret till the day you die...and damnit brain stop thinking about her.....idk, i guess im not really mad its just all its doing is nothing for me...hmphh yeah so anyway this weekend i tried umm idk how to spell it but sounds like baga ung or baka ung or somethig anyway its a salty fish paste..i went to a filipina restaraunt on saturday with these 2 married girls, my friends girl and analine....idk sometimes her sister is so f'ing rude i just dont even know what to do..its like she has no manners...i guess i just expect so much of a girl...i wish i would have known how bad girls out there really were before i met jasam...i wish i could have known how lucky i was to have found a girl with the class, intelligence, beauty, manners, love etc. its ok though, i feel sorry for her now as shes breaking up with her guy now, really i guess i want her hapy ...really thats what i want for her...the 2 of them havent even been togethr a year yet...wo i cant believe she was with him for so long tho...and she lived with him...lives....w.e////god i hate thinking about someone else holding her at night...eww omg brain wtf...WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HER? whats wrong with you grumble...stupid brain stay focused...weekend...weekend oh yeah i did have a romantic time with analine thise weeknd, we (me, mom, sal and analine) hiked to nakapuu lighthouse saturday morning and we watched the sunrise over da ocean...we got to spend the walk up there just the 2 of us and her mom and sal were following behind (slow people lol) and then idk friday at the movies mom was sooo funny pushing analine to me like she was...i think ive never seen a mom do something like dat before...i think she must really like me or rather approveof me...idk, i got a suit yesterday wit da girls and ryan...im stoked im going to a pinoy pageant lol....i should be looking studle y:p (as always :) (jokes lol!) hmphh i wonder what jasam is doing right now omg...wtf lol i cant even goin like a whole 5 minutes wihtout her crossing my mind....lol...well what can i do..i guess i suck at this game ...this game called life...i guess im bummed caus ei only get one shot at this life...one time to run through..one chance to not make mistakes...i have made a huge share of mistakes..oh yeah i made a decision on what i want to major in ...Electrical engineering...*orignal lol..yeah idk its going to be tought but i think i wanna do it...i am so nerdy about electricity..i was reading an articla about wireless electricity and i want to be part of that. i want to be part of the future...its so interesting...anyway enough ramblings...i have alot of shit to do today...new roomie moving into my place tommorow...and yeah kinda nervous shes a girl shes 23 and yeah idk i have to clean up my apt...plus no ac now...omg its soo hot lol :(

So i am stuck here at work for the next like idk 5 hours and i have absolutely no work to be done. no work to get done...and its really a sad thing..it gives me so much free time to think about my life.. sometimes like right now i feel like i would marry the first girl i came across today..i see kids and i see families and i want one...but i know i really dont want that i know there is only one girl i want a family with...she knows who she is...even if she doesnt want me lmao.. its all good though ill find someone eventually. so yeah i really think im crazy sometimes like right now. i wish i didnt think that but it must be true. what is so wrong with me when i have so many girls i know are interested and still i dont want any of them...well analine i would date but idk whats to become of that. she told me she liked me about 2 or 3 weeks ago...last weekend i was a complete idiot.i hope she will overlook that o.o..idk shes been pretty standoffish since then...well i cant really say that cause we talked for about 25 minutes sunday and also about an hour on friday.. and hung out saturday till like 3 in the morning :p idk...haha i guess me and her are going to a formal next month and i cant wait :)) im going to rent a tux and get her a corsage or however you say it. lol...im so stoked ^_^ i know she is going to look gorgeous she keeps saying "its like our senior prom" lol i guess so...im really glad i met her...tho she has caused me more stresss then she will ever know...i think its cause im impatient drama queen lmao..but its good though because she is teaching me patience...in pretty much testing me to the limits of me...i guess its good though because i am willing to change for her...which is good...but idk its good because i want to change and not because she wants me to..i wantto be the guy she needs and wants in her life. im not sure why i am trying so hard to be with her. i think she beautiful and shes sweet, and idk i think their must be alot behind the walls of her heart..i hope shell let me in..o.O

Current Location: work
Current Mood: weird

So my life is full of uncertainty right now, i may get kicked out of the navy and be left without a job. idk i guess ill be forced to get a job for awhile until i can start school. idk what i am going to do. My back hurts and also the skin on my back hurts, i fell asleep in the sun for like an hour and a half which didnt really do much most days but the sun was hot today. I knew it was bad lol..its ok though i think my skin will take the burn and tan more lol...hmph idk so yeah i guess im frustrated with girls at the moment analine is texting me then stops completely i call cause i said i would and i get no answer..idk wth happens over their at their house sometimes o.O id dont really undernstand their culture though i am getting a better picture on the aily..i am starting to remember some of what jasam taught me and am asking them for their teaching me. i know how to say "whats your name" now which took me forever. "ako ang pangalan mo" lol...silly tongue why cant you just form the sounds lol...idk i just get so frustrated with analine sometimes. idk how she really feels about me, i guess i should just ask her. though it would be better in person. I hardly get time alone with just her. Actually ive only been alone with her one time. i was driving her sisters somehwere and dropped her off. idk i get frustrated because i want to get to know here i wnat to talk to her...just her..i do but its frustrating because i cant and i dont get to.. idk i guess im just going to keep being patient. idk...hmphh i wonder if shes really testing me or if she is just playing with me. its not like she give me that much attention, but at the same time i think shes hiding how she feels, which is a turnoff, but at the same time its like..idk i guess im either setting myself up for a huge heartache and dissapointment or ill actually end up dating her. I am tired now and still havent heard back from her idk wth is going on.. i guess i would never do taht to someoene i cared for..but then again idk some girls like to play games. idk why..maybe im just hopefull that she is playing gamese with me vice just not beint interested in me. i guess if shes not...well idk maybe ill pursue someone else or just idk...i have girls taht do want to be with me. i want to be with her...idk today i was thinking about jasam. idk i guess i just dont know what to think..maybe jaasam is so appealing now because i know anything i try with her would just lead me to heartache and i guess the drama..but i hate being hurt, i hate feeling so empty and alone...idk i guess im just silly idk whats wrong with me...why do i have to be like this...man its so hard being patient.. i want to be like wtf anna...why dont you answer the fone...but i cant and wont because i care abuot her..idk maybe im the biggest tool in the world.

so yeah everything i mean...everything has been going wrong since this weekend, i shouldnt have talked to her and told he rhow i felt, i should have left it hidden away far from it all.. but of course i open my big mouth and thought about her...why do i torture myself like this. i cant kepe her out of my mind, i even pissed off the girl im trying to get to fill the massive void she left in my heart. hmpphh why do i always do this kind of things to myself. why cant i just be happy? why does everything seem to be going wrong? im just frustrated with myself for everything, why could i see then what i know now. what i guess i was just to blinded by my inexperience and loneliness to see, to realize how good i had it with her, how understanding, sweet, loving, caring and honest she was with me. I guarded myself from her because she seemed too good to be true...turns out she wasnt and i lost her. sigh, maybe i can stop being so ridiculous and realize i will never again be with her? i guess its because i know id give up anyone and everything for her. The happiest memories i have from almost my entire life are with her. I cant get the image out of my head of her asleep on my chest when we were in niagara falls....

Idk wht it was but visiting the mainland made me get out of my iron castle of oahu and everywhere i looked reminded me of her...i know i shouldnt still be thinking of her but i do...me and j went on a mini roadtrip and yeah we kept passing hotels and things and yeah it made me imiss her all the more...i really loved her.. i know i have lost her and ill never get her back, and i deserve that because of how i treated her. I really just want to move on and not love her anymore.. but i cant...at least i am back home now to my "iron castle" cause almost everything here is not from her, ...sigh i wore her steelers jersey she got me to a steelers game sunday..and yeah...maybe ishould have bought another...i kept thinking about her...its ok though i guess it was some good memories. and not just missing her..i just dont understand why it still hurts. idk why i still care...why?! its not like i dont have girls around me, i just dont care about them, i dont fell anything for anyone...except her. WEll i guess thats what i get for screwing it up, hurting her more then i can count. Well life goes on.."dear god give me the strength tand the patience to find the girl you meant for me. dear lord i am tired of hurting tired of being alone even in a crowded room. dear lord i pray for my knee to get better lord, stil the doctors dont know whats wrong with me. sigh father please i beg of you help my parents, they seem to be struggling finacncially and the stress i can tell. Lord help my grandpa jack with his vision... lord all this in your precious name Amen"

Current Mood: crazy

Well i was having a spectacular day everything seemd to be going ok, then i started talking to someone about my ex, and its stupid i was like...fuck it i am already upset so ill read her journal that i had been trying so hard not to read...i read it and i guess i understand why she is upset...she wants me to treat her more special then any other girl i dated....Keith

cause i broke up with her because my priorities werent straight...i didnt have god in my life like i needed to be the good husband and father in the future


i went to church june 14

for the first time sincerely since i left for the navy

and i was overrushed...the entire message was about...being a good christian father/husband/man..

and i wasnt that...jasam was top of my list..god was ...i guess on the list...

i mean i wasnt a horrible drinking going to strip clubs gettin hookers

but i wasnt reading the bilbe

i wsnt praying

i wasnt going to church

but i worked to change that
11:59pmuknown female

ic

and she was hurt because u broke up with her? thats why she needed time? did she understand why u needed to do that?
Today
12:00amKeith

yes, but she said "why cant we do it together" idk...

then when she came out here to see me

she swore up and down we were just friends and it was just a friendly visit

so i tried to tact accordingly

and then the day before she left she was like...i came here because i wanted to be with you

i was like wtf

i acted different because i didnt want her to feel pressured or w.e

you know?
12:01amunknown female

right
12:01amKeith

and because i believed thats all she wanted she got upset with me

and pretty much said NO

i was like wth i failed a test i didnt know i was even able to take <_>
she said no?

to what

or u said no
12:03amKeith

she did

i wanted to be with her
12:03amUnknown female

oh
12:03amKeith

i told her that

before she came out

but she said she would only come out if it was as friends

so thats why i acted like i did
12:03amUnknown female

ah okay, i understand

right

ok
12:03amKeith

yeah
12:03amUnknown female

well, lol that's not fair though
12:03amKeith

i mean we werent innocent we had sex...

but idk we had sex before when we wernt dating

so i didnt think it was saying she wanted to be with me

<_< so yeah here i am i feel like the biggest jerk in the world i have surgery and then she leaves even more upset with me 12:05amKaren ic =/ so thats what the trip in hawaii was all about.. then she came to san diego to visit, didnt really want to talk about it when i asked 12:05amKeith yeah i pissed her off cause i was at my friends party 12:06amUnknown female one question oh ? 12:06amKeith and she was there and a girl i had just recently met lived down the street i thought she was cute or w.e but she had a bf so i was just going to say hi...and i understand why she got upset, but again i was under the pretense of just being friends. and i was wrong for that but i was only gone for like 30 min 20* and she came out and talked with her anyway i shouldnt have but i thought we wer "just friends" so i didnt know i was causing her so much pain.... thats what i did to really fuck it up i know it is i felt terrible about it since then but it was an accident i had surgery that day and was all drugged up but....i mean w.e 12:09amUnknown female i see.. well yeh of course if a girl tells you that you're there together as just friends.. its obviously going to mean something more.. since u did have sex and previously dated 12:09amKeith not to me 12:09amUnknown female i can definitely see why she got pissed.. 12:09amKeith i cant why not just tell me so becausei couldnt read between the lines she hates me <_< 12:10amUnknown female u should not have even thought about going over to say hi, just act like jasam's the only girl in the world 12:11amKeith i know i know i know belive me i know 12:11amUnknown female that's.. a shame gosh.. 12:11amKeith i had surgery that day like 5 hours before 12:11amUnknown female for what 12:11amKeith i wasnt clearly tinking my knee scope they put me undre and i was on drugs 12:12amUnknown female ic 12:12amKeith its not an excuse but it didnt help me at all being dopd up ohh well w.e the past is the past now i can do nothing to change it...jasam if you read this. I do love you i do care about you and there is alot of compassion and tenderness left for you...all i have been saving up for you, of course i am angry jasam...you did the ultimate back stab, and after you asked how i felt did it anyway. you know your being selfish. you even said it in your journal. Jasam i said for over 2 months i loved you and i wanted to be with you...and you said "when i heal ill go back with you" ...w.e jasam i told you if you dated him i would never speak to you again...well guess what you did...so i guess i am following through with my end. i love you jasam...it breaks my heart not to talk to you, everytime i think of you my heart breaks and my chest sinks. but idk what to do...i told her i wouldnt talk anymore...idk if i can even talk to hr...i am so hurt by her i dont think i should be the one doing any kind of calling first...i guess if she wants to talk to me shell call me and if not then our w.e we had will die into obscurity....all those memories...

so i guess she is dating him now so w.e fuck her fuck him, fuck em both, i dont need her anyway. I spent like 500 bucks on clothes and stuff and yeah im glad i did, i am starting back to the gym eating healthy. :) The stuff i bought for my face is working wonders ;0 i guess i am doing better, like every like 10 minutes i think about her now instead of 5 so i think i am doing good, and when i do think about her and that pain and sadness start swelling i tell myself fuck her! you dont need her. i got a whole new perspective last night and its really made me feel alot better about myself...i am going to do this right, i cant deal with that bitch fucking my best friend...haha well i guess the jokes on him cause i think i got ghonnorhea haha....i hope they work out, but knowing his past lol...well id just say hes going to rub his scrawny little ass all over hers haha oh well i think he is skinnier then she is which is saying something :P i guess i cant be friends with her that will only prolong my pain i jhave to say fuck her...thts been my problem up till now, bing "friends" with my ex's. I know its hard because i cared so much about her but its like at the same time she lied to me, i tried to make it right but apparantly she wants a black dick now haha. though if its proportionate to him ill be the last laugh hahahhahahahahahahha im not spiteful though i hope shes happy i just dont want to hear or see it.. cause frankly i feel like she broke up with me, i did but i wanted back and shs like "yeah..when i feel better and now shes dating someone else...ohh well i guess ill cut my losses, and ill start dating for reals haha.its been son long i am outa practice :P im not worried or feeling lonely anymore more or else i feel empowered.. lol its going to be terrible whenever he goes on deployment and she gets outta shipyards and they never see eahother again hahahahha.. silly jasam...ohh well i guess he gets to be the rebound guy haha well that is of course if she didnt lie to me cause she probably did...i mean after all we had sex while she had a bf...yeah thats not "cheating" cause "its different" stupid lol ohh well i thought about telling him (kevin) and then i was like..nah i wont come down to her level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do things have to be like this? why does life go for me like this? Idk last night i tried and tried and tired to stop thinking about jasam, i tried music and every station i turned to had songs tht made me think about her...everything no matter what...then i went to the movies and idk took some pictures off the car garage. Idk..i guess taking pictures is the only thing that keeps her out of my head...but still it is only a temporary escape from the pain. Last night i left the movies said my goodbyes to chad and then i headed home on the way home i got the bright idea that i should drive the 90 mile loop around the norther part of the island. I blared my music the whole time trying to tell myself that i didnt need her anymore that i didnt love her....sigh i stopped when i got up to north shore near waimeia bay because the waves were freaking huge...so i sat there for a feew minutes at 11 oclock at night watching the huge waves crash against the shore...gosh memories of charleston...memories of our first kiss came up last night...that was especially fierce sting...and yet it seemed almost poetic in that i guess that was the beginning and i guess i am at the end.../sigh I suppose life is a journey so idk...i guess shed be happier if she was dating someone near her but the guy she wants to date of course being my ex best friend and then to make it worse...is that if they do get into a relationship her boats going to go back to san diego in about a year and a half and she will once again be alone...sigh i just wish she could be happy...i would be happier if it was with me...and especially not with "tony jerell houghton" fucking dumbass says its "horton" when its not its only pronounced that way by ignorant southerner's. Dear god please help me get through this ok...please god have mercy on me. Have mercy on me god...help me over this pain, frustration, and bitterness that i feel help me be like you god...give me the patience and wisdom lord...lord i pray for jasam...i know she is borderline hating me at the moment but i do love her lord i pray you keep her safe...oh god :( ...sigh that made me think of the phonecall i had this morning...my mother asked me "keith is it ok if i have jasam up for thanksgiving even if your not here" and my reply was "idk how things are between us right now, but i dont want her to be alone on thanksgiving so sure" i just wish i could have met jasam when i was truly able to give my entire heart to her...it started off the wrong way...and idk looking back...when we used to meet in the phone room...omg...:( i thin k i am going to cry...all those hours we spent talking, allthose times...i remember when she first really told me about my past we were sitting in subway and she opened up to me...i was like "wow" she really likes me...T_T...oh man now i am thinking about when we went to dinner at this crab place in charleston..it was one of our first few dates ...we sat their in the back room on the second floor eating a onolicous cheesecake together...ohhh man i remember walking hand in hand downtown...all those times...ohh m:((( god the memory of us with my family when we went to those antique parlors...and then the one in charleston when she was telling me about her grandmotherhaving the same type of dining utensils...and her telling me stories about when she was little...like the little gecko story..and the sad stories about her family and drugs and the horrible things like "youll be a stripper in japan"......ohh and sitting next her in niagara falls staring into the beauty...and her falling asleep...her naked body all nestled into mine....laying on my chest...i remember the first time i held her hand...we were just pulling on to the main strip and i reached over and her palms were all sweatty...ohhh and how she told me her mom would always make fun of her when she was little about sweatty palms...ohh and that first sunrise together...when she was wearing her uniform cause she still was phase one....ohhhhhh...ohh man now i remember seeing her for the first time at the airport after so longs...everytime it was soo amazing...like when she flew home...i remember seeing her and when she got here to honoluu i remember seeing her first in georgia she saw me first...in ny omg ... oh and when i flew into ny i remember everything about her...she seemed different...but still the same familiar jasam...just a little older more beautiful she had thoe high boots on a scarf jeans and her jacket ...she had her hair curled so gorgeous...omg...what have i done...ive ruined the relationship with the only person to ever make me happy like she did...the only person i would fly to see...the only person tht ever meant anything to me....and shes gone...i guess all i can do is savor the memories and pray that god brings me someone that i can love that much again...i know i lost her for good...there is no turning back now...both of our hearts broken, fixed and rebroken by one another...me doing the more breaking...i was...maybe i am too young for such a love....i dont deserve her love...i dont deserve her and i guess i dont have her anymore so i guess i got what i deserved...why do i have to watch cheesy love movies...why do i? it only makes things harder on me....omg i think that night when she fell asleep and i watched ps i love you by myself....or those countless hotels we frequented...the time she broke the towelrack because i was carrying her around...the time i tied her to the bed....we really knew eachother's bodies...the closet she loved so much....but i guess those are all memories...and god...i remember laying in bed in sc thinking how much i loved her and how much i would miss her laying next to me :( all that time we spent together...all the movies we watched all the miles we put on our cars...hell even the purchase of my car she was their...those hours of driving in the kmart parking lot...teaching he rhow to drive letting her have the practice on my poor clutch....lol....then we made a list of things she wanted in a car and we found it everything she wanted in a nice blue package....god shes ruineed the tiburon for me i will always associate that with her for the rest of my life....everytime i see a blue one with military stickers my heart jumps...and i quickly scold myself and remind me that she is in virginia and thats a little let down...times like this i just dont want to live i just want to pour sugar all over my body and have a million ants climb all over me eating my flesh...every little bite i would feel alive...every drop of blood repentance for the pain i caused jasam...untill they ate me and their was nothing left...just the skeleton of a sad man...who never knew what he was searching for was right beside him all along... i wish i could go back in time and just kill my old self and take over...yesterday i told her i wanted to get rid of that frame when all i really wanted was something any kind of affection from her...i hate me i hate that i never know what to do in my own relationships...god please help me....i am trying to be the man i need to be for jasam but she doesnt want me anymore...god i guess ill just keep praying and maybe sometime long in the future shell forgive me and we can start with a clean slate....ohh geeze...i got a damn phone call saying i have to be at work by 10 which is in 45 minutes...sigh...well i guess i have to go...

Why do i have to be lonely, why in a room full of people do i feel like the only one, why cant i have a girl that wants to spend hours on the phone just talking to me, or just hours face to face laying on a bed or a beach looking at the roof or the stars...just chatting, why cant i have someone that wants to hold me, why cant i be "the love of someones life" why do I have to be so isolated. why do i have to be so lonely, why cant anyone be with me why wont anyone be with me. What is so wrong with me, what is so repulsive about me that i get rejected..and even worse when i get false hope only to be crushed with a "ive got a bf already sorry". I am so tired of living my life alone...its been 10 months of being alone...i am tired of having noone to hold me at night, noone to kiss me and tell me everything will be ok, someone to share in the beauties of life with, the pains of life, the joys of life. noone to share a sunset with, noone to watch the sun rise with me. This year of 08 has been one of the loneliest years of my life to date...and i fear it to only stay that way. I feel so alone i feel so empty, I pray "god take away the loneliness" and i hang out with friends and i am somewhat ok, untill i see a happy couple or until i am alone again. Everywhere i go, every song i hear, every show i watch is about someone being in love...why? it kills me because it only makes me miss it more..it makes me miss her...it makes me wish i wasnt in hawaii i feel so isolated here..with false prejudice about "mainlanders" f'ck that noise i am so tired of people talking shit about somewhere they ahve never been, saying how things are...so maybe you visited for a week, i am pretty sure you dont know shit about how things are...about the culture. I even here people on the radio saying things about the mainland, the commercials on the radio are even prejudice..."Sure those mainland guys will give you unlimited everything...for like a hundred bucks....thats like surfing a longboard at sandy's or eating Poke with a fork" wth is that...I am tired of it i am tired of being looked down on because i am white, i am tired of being the only white guy in a group i am tired of going places and being the only white person.. i dont mind other cultures but i hate the prejudice i hate the racism, and mostly i hate how isolated from everything i am...how lonely i am...how much i would give anything for a hug, a kiss and someone curled up next to me right now on my couch sleeping on my shoulder as i write this...god why do you have to be so cruel?! why? god i give you my life...you made adam an eve...so where is my eve..i feel empty and lonely like adam does...god....

Current Mood: frustrated

Well i talked to jasam, she actually called me out of the blue :) yay...anyway today was kinda crappy...in that i had alot of time off but i didnt know what to do with myself...i wasted my day...i got out of work at 1030 so i wnet to eat lunch then i wen tto lip to play some xbox 360 for awhile...trying to kill time...i talked to christine at lunch today:)) she seemed like she was in a good mood haha, i heard her little baby "yelling" at the dogs it was cute haha...back to the topic. i went to dinner and again just waited around until 8 when i had to work again..it was a long day of idk boringness...id much rather do stuff you know? i should have just went home and slept or something idk. and to make it worse i have to go to work tommorow at 645 ...blah soo freaking early...i think i will ahve to nap after work tommorow or something cause i have a long weekend ahead of me. man i wish i would have had different roomates back in prototype, they were both such inconsiderate assholes...one was greedy as shit and the other was i guess also greedy but his was more like cheap. i would have been much happier by myself then with those 2. the one i thought was my friend but w.e. cant change shit now... yeah jasam....idk she talked to me today..idk i just wonder what my future holds.. i am so tired right now, and all day i just wanted to read my bible, but then i get home and im like "what do i read?" idk i guess thats kinda always been my biggest problem is idk where to start..so maybe ill just start with the old testament and just read my way through it. ok well i am off to pick a random book and start reading lol...idk what else to do...i wonder if jasam is happy without me...i wish i knew...she seems happy without me...

blah, i think i made jasam mad today...idk i guess i feel like she is moving on and thats not at all what i want. i love jasam and i want to be with her. I guess if she wont wait for me then itsok i can understand...its going to hurt alot. Idk what she wants. idk if she is angry with me or anything...we hardly talk...idk...If you read this jasam...tommorow im setting aside for you so we can talk..ill try calling you, hopefullly we can talk for a long time...talk about us, the future. god idk...ii hope you read this before i get off work tommorow.(which may not be till 5pm here) if we had talked you would know the last 2 days of last week i worked till 5...:( but i digress...i love you jasam...and yeah i miss you....a lot :(

so yeah i was having a long talk with one of the older guys at my church tonight (hes 35 but relatively older then me. we went to dinner yummy) and we were talking about relationships and all of that. After talking to him i feel much better about things...when i first started going to lcc (my church) I showed up on the "fathers day" sunday and yeah i started thinking about me, and my dad and how he wasnt really that "strong christian" father...he is christian and he had the values but he never prayed with me, read the bible with me and never went to church. I wish he had done that when i was growing up. I started thinking about myself and my desire to have a family. I saw where i was lacking spiritually. i saw that i was calloused in my heart towards god and that i grew so far away from jesus. I am still everyday learning and drawing near to god. I love it. i love where i am going...i no longer feel that "i need to have a gf" i feel that void i was trying to fill being filled by the grace of god. i feel like i need to be focused on god in my life right now..i feel like i need to focus my love and affection on god and keep my life in his hands and not in my own...i need to trust god to take care of me. I need to ask god for what to do. I need to be the christian man i need to be. I need to grow to god, i need to be a beacon out in the world...jasam is a wonderful girl..someone i could spend the rest of my life with. I know she is I love her...but i think my focus was 1.jasam 2. things 3.work 4.god for the good part of the last 2 years. I need my priorities straightened i need it to be god first. I need that....i hope she can understand...i need to grow close to god i cant be a good bf if god isnt first, i need this..

so yeah i was having a long talk with one of the older guys at my church tonight (hes 35 but relatively older then me. we went to dinner yummy) and we were talking about relationships and all of that. After talking to him i feel much better about things...when i first started going to lcc (my church) I showed up on the "fathers day" sunday and yeah i started thinking about me, and my dad and how he wasnt really that "strong christian" father...he is christian and he had the values but he never prayed with me, read the bible with me and never went to church. I wish he had done that when i was growing up. I started thinking about myself and my desire to have a family. I saw where i was lacking spiritually. i saw that i was calloused in my heart towards god and that i grew so far away from jesus. I am still everyday learning and drawing near to god. I love it. i love where i am going...i no longer feel that "i need to have a gf" i feel that void i was trying to fill being filled by the grace of god. i feel like i need to be focused on god in my life right now..i feel like i need to focus my love and affection on god and keep my life in his hands and not in my own...i need to trust god to take care of me. I need to ask god for what to do. I need to be the christian man i need to be. I need to grow to god, i need to be a beacon out in the world...jasam is a wonderful girl..someone i could spend the rest of my life with. I know she is I love her...but i think my focus was 1.jasam 2. things 3.work 4.god for the good part of the last 2 years. I need my priorities straightened i need it to be god first. I need that....i hope she can understand...i need to grow close to god i cant be a good bf if god isnt first, i need this...